Reflections of late

Whoa…it seems like just yesterday I put up a "6 Weeks till Hawaii" post and now we are down to 4 days and counting! I started off with a bang and got into some good exercise habits along with switching things up thanks to a personal trainer

However, with less than a week to go I’m feeling a bit blah about my efforts and feel like I fell way short of my goals – due to nothing but the fact that I didn’t commit.

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Hawaiian honeymoon

It’s an age-old story that I am quite familiar with. I want to make a change, I plan out how to make a change and then I don’t make the change. Or I make it but undo it shortly after then feel like giving up altogether. I know 100% that I am not alone in this…it’s happened at least once to every person who has tried to lose weight, commit to a diet or generally be healthier. As easy as I remember getting healthy and losing weight to be…I also started/stopped/started again so many times before it finally stuck with me.

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this didn’t happen overnight

And though I don’t really have a lot to lose or a long way to go this time around – I was hoping to drop some body fat, tone up and generally come out of this thing feeling healthier and more steadfast in my habits. Yet that didn’t happen at all. If anything, I feel like my healthy habits have gone awry and I am having such a hard time getting things back together.

…………………………………………………

There’s a lot more to this than just not feeling beach ready. In the end I’m going to have fun on vacation and I’m not going to worry too much. But I do know that I need a major change in my life once we are back.

This whole 2013 has felt off for me. The year started off in a difficult place with the loss of my mother-in-law and there is a sadness that always weighs heavy on my heart.

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I tried to overcome my grief by jumping headfirst into a busy lifestyle – part by choice but part by necessity! Work, school and everything in-between have started to take a toll on me. I’m getting stressed out which never happens and I’ve just been so tired lately. I thought I could busy-bee my grief away but it has been there under the surface the whole time.

I’m not eating well – at all. I’ve indulged in every craving and even cravings I don’t have. I keep having a "there’s always tomorrow" mentality when really it’s the small, everyday choices that really add up and constitute a healthy lifestyle. I feel addicted to and controlled by sugar and sometimes extremely embarrassed by the fact that I do not seem to have any willpower.

I’ve had several "meltdowns" where I’ve felt extremely disappointed in myself and I hate that feeling. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed but I do feel like I have the blues. I feel funky and keep waiting to feel normal again and it just hasn’t happened yet.

And now I sit here having poured out my heart and I’m glad I did!! I just started typing and this happened, I never planned on sharing it but I think it will help and be cathartic. I know I’m not the only one who goes through things like this and I don’t want you to think it’s all rainbows and puppies all the time with me. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I do know that acknowledging my feelings is a step in the right direction.

Here’s what I do know:

I’m going to go on this vacation and relax and I’m going to celebrate our best friends’ marriage! I’m going to get some much needed quality time with my husband (I feel like we never get to see each other!) and I’m going to reflect on the future and what changes I can make to get back to full-time happiness.

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random happy pic

I’m going to admit that health, happiness and life in general take work sometimes but that I am definitely worth the effort. And of course, I’m going to thank you for coming here every day and for being so positive and uplifting. I cherish you guys so much and am glad to be able to connect with you!!

Therapy session complete. I’m feeling motivated and inspired to make a change for the better in my life, only time will tell what that may be.

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3 thoughts on “Reflections of late

  1. Thanks for your honesty, Shell! You are practicing self-compassion, which is so much healthier than self-criticism. I have my therapy clients practice self compassion by giving themselves a hug and saying “Bless my little baby heart!” They giggle b/c it feels silly, but oh so good. There’s freedom and healing in not judging ourselves harshly

  2. You will be fine. The loss of Mendie was hard on all of you, and the grieving process will take time. I’m proud of you for working through your feelings and not repressing them. Acknowledging your loss and your emotions in dealing with it is a way of honoring Mendie and your love for her. Enjoy your time in Hawaii and your decision to get back on track when you return. Love you!

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